


to the ends of the earth

by NorthOfSomewhere



Category: Far Cry 5
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Flash Fic, Guilt, Incest, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:07:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26421616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NorthOfSomewhere/pseuds/NorthOfSomewhere
Summary: It physically hurts, knowing he'll never have what he wants, knowing he'd hate himself more if he did.Edit: added something.
Relationships: John Seed/Joseph Seed
Kudos: 10





	to the ends of the earth

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is dumb but I forgot to add a little part at the end when I first uploaded this... It doesn't add much I guess though.

_I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you._ A chant burning through his insides, an oil slick of shame to chase it, to fuel it.

Seeing Joseph stand before him, steady, warm, his heart is full. Love, acceptance, these things will guide him forward, these _gifts_ from Joseph are all he should need. It should be. But it isn't.

Because he looks at Joseph and _wants._ Would do anything to secure his approval, his attention. He wants Joseph's eyes to only ever be on him and can't help the rush of angerhatejealousyshame when Joseph's attention is on someone else. Jacob, who so easily gets it, who will always have their brother's love, never needs to fight for it. Faith, who does everything Joseph asks of her. She built him a giant statue, and how can he compete with that, how can he show Joseph his devotion?

Because he is devoted, would and has done everything Joseph wants him to do, yet a part of him, engrained too deeply to carve out, wants more. Knows from experience that he will take, and take, and take. Until there's nothing left. There's his greed, because, oh God, he wants. Wants everything Joseph can give him, wants to... And he won't put words to what he wants to do, words make things real. But he can't stop the flashes of images, seared into his brain. The _Duncans_ were right about him, there is something intrinsically wrong with him.

It physically hurts, knowing he'll never have what he wants, knowing he'd hate himself more if he did.

* * *

Jacob is talking to Joseph, his maps laid out before him. The scent of marker in the air, and Joseph pays close attention to Jacob's explanations and plans, nodding at the appropriate times. Or John assumes so, he's not listening to a word Jacob is saying.

The jealous raging storm in his heart carries on, fingers curling into fists. _Me, look at me._ Craves Joseph's eyes on him, to the point it hurts. He startles when he notices Jacob giving him a curious look. He lets his face go blank again, wouldn't do to show _weakness_ in his oldest brother's presence. Jacob is still looking at him. He can feel it. Like he's a puzzle to figure out. Inwardly, he prays that Jacob gets back to his maps. _Stop._

But then Joseph turns, and just that movement draws John's gaze, sharp. Joseph beckons him closer, soft smile. He is warm again, heart hammering in his chest. Every moment Joseph grants him is a wonder. The problem, his weakness, is evident. Not to Joseph. Jacob though, is tilting his head when John turns his way. Eyes narrowed. And then John knows that he knows. He shakes his head, and Jacob nods. But he can tell they'll talk later. No getting out of it.

But he can't help himself. Can't help drawing closer, arm brushing against Joseph's. Warmth, bleeding into John's skin until he feels whole again. And he wants to lean into him, can't get close enough. Could never. He watches Joseph's hands, longs to touch. To intertwine their fingers together. He wants everything.

_I love you._

* * *

He tells Joseph he needs to talk to Jacob some more, that he'll find his own way back. Joseph nods, one hand on John's shoulder. When he leaves, he swears he can still feel it, a brand beneath his skin.

"Jacob," he says to the dark, his brother has shut off the light, but John knows he's still in here. Taking a moment. The dark can be calming or unsettling depending on circumstances. He would guess this is for his own benefit. Easier to confess in the dark when you can't make eye contact. But maybe it's just easier for Jacob. So he lets the lights stay off, standing still in the middle of the room. 

"How long?" Jacob sounds tired. There's something else in his voice, faint, but it makes John pause. _He's sad._

"Does it matter?" he says.

_Is there any amount of time where this is acceptable?_

He waits for Jacob to say something. He doesn't want to answer that. The seconds drag out between them.

"Since he found me," John says finally, hates how the words feel.

_Don't hate me._

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" John asks.

_I'm the one who should be apologizing._

"I said everything was going to be okay," Jacob says. "I was wrong."


End file.
